Sunday, March 27, 2011

Suicide and Selfishness

This is a post that is quite a bit more personal than usual. I'm a big fan of PostSecret. I read it every Sunday, it makes me laugh and cry and think. I read a post a few months ago that I've been thinking about ever since I read it.

This is a story I don't tell many people. I think I'm afraid people will think I'm still the way I was and I'm not. I'm a different person. I'm sure if an employer or future employer found out it would affect my employment. What a sad society we live in that in order to get a job you have to be nothing short of perfect. I fully intend to be self employed within the next year and have enough faith in myself and my abilities to know I can do it. No more working for self-absorbed millionaires who only care about the bottom line.

Several years ago I attempted suicide. I was nearly successful. The emergency room doctors told my son they couldn't say if I would make it or not. Imagine your child having to hear that. I ended up in the ICU for three days and on a 72 hour hold that turned into four days. What I read on PostSecret disturbed me because the person contemplating suicide seemed to be romanticizing it. Trust me there is nothing romantic about it. It's hard and scary. The most terrible thing about it though is the people you hurt. Suicide is a purely selfish act. I was convinced that the people I love most in the world would be better off without me. I was wrong. I hurt my son deeply and I will never be OK with that.

Today I am happy. I'm looking forward to my future and it's endless possibilities. I'm not rich, I'm not sure if I will even be able to afford to see my son graduate from tank school at the end of April. I'm not in a relationship at the moment. There really is nothing extraordinary about my life, but in my heart I am happy.

If you are thinking about suicide try to think outside your selfish, narrow point of view and think about the people who love you. They are out there and they don't deserve to be hurt like that. Not now, not ever.

My wonderful son

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